Often when a coaching client says “I don’t know”, they really do know. They’re just unwilling to acknowledge or face the answer.
If it was that easy to say aloud they would have done so.
There can be many reasons for the “I don’t know”, but if we trust our instincts and explore gently, we may just be rewarded with an A’ha moment!
– E L Elsey
There are any number of reasons for that: “I don’t know”
Most of the reasons are probably a fear of the consequences of stating that answer aloud:
- Maybe it means they will need to acknowledge some change is needed in their lives (they might have to quit their job); or
- maybe they don’t trust us enough yet and are afraid what we will think.
- It could be that they’re afraid what their inner critic will say to their answer (don’t be such a baby!).
- They may not want to disappoint us (I’m not ready to take that step).
- Perhaps their logical, rational side thinks their answer is ridiculous, childish or immature (she won’t like me any more).
- Perhaps if they say the answer out loud they’ll have to face something unpleasant (have that difficult conversation with their boss/partner).
- Or maybe it’s something else…
Whenever we don’t acknowledge what we’re REALLY thinking, we are rejecting a part of ourselves.
We’re more focused on who we think we SHOULD be, than who we actually are. And when we do this we literally block ourselves from moving forwards, because what we’re saying is – I’m ashamed/embarrassed/afraid of that part of me. As the coaching saying goes ‘we should all over ourselves’.
Yet when we face that thought, that feeling and say, “I know I need to quit my job but I’m afraid” or “I feel like such a child, but I don’t want to apologise” or “I’m such a coward. I’m terrified that they won’t understand and will laugh at me/it will damage our friendship.” Now we have the truth – and something real to work with.
A life coach will honour the parts of the client that feel afraid, embarrassed, ashamed, resentful.
In coaching, we will look at the feelings, explore the judgements, prepare back-up plans, discover new options, and MOST importantly honour the whole person.
By this, I mean honour the parts of the client that feel afraid, embarrassed, ashamed, resentful. All those feelings we ‘shouldn’t’ really feel – but still do. At that time I will remind clients, “Just because you FEEL or THINK it doesn’t make it true.”
I hope this post was useful to you. Any questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out for a chat.
Thank you,
Susan Dunlop
