Where did my sparkle go?

In 2017 I researched, rather than presumed to know, what challenges are faced by women in midlife and can coaching help?

It was the early days of my establishing the Making Shifts Happen coaching program.

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I reviewed various research papers, completed internet searches, surveyed women and reviewed coaching and popular women-focused websites, such as oprah.com.

Midlife refers to women aged between 45-55 years of age, with the most commonly repeated definition of midlife:

“the time of a woman’s life that she might pass through menopause, whilst simultaneously experiencing other life events” .

Other life events, such as the transition of children to adulthood and their subsequent independence, a divorce or separation, being the support person of ageing parents to remain independent, right through to the loss of an ageing parent.

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A woman in that age bracket myself, I knew of these life events, and could easily have rattled off what I had been challenged by.

What else was there I might not have experienced, that other women have?

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“What is my role now that the kids are gone?”

 “Where did my sparkle go? “

“When did I become invisible?”

 “Who can I confide in, who will understand?”

“I’ve been so long in this job, is it too late to change?”

These questions and other self-sabotaging self-talk were the first indication in the research that women in midlife were experiencing issues unique to this age-group.

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I collated a Top 10 List of Issues That Women in Midlife will ‘most likely’ experience. If not all, then at least one or some of the issues.

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Not in any particular order, I found that the Top 10 Issues a Woman will ‘most likely’ experience are:

1. The 35 symptoms of peri-menopause and menopause
2. “Empty Next” Syndrome – children finishing education and leaving home
3. “The Boomerang Generation” – adult children returning home to live
4. Relationship problems and/or separation and divorce
5. The financial implications of separation and divorce
6. Confidence in dating again
7. Loss of confidence and self-esteem
8. Loss of identity/direction and low self-worth
9. Supporting independence of ageing parents
10. Death of ageing parents

I just turned 52 when starting the research and could tick off 7 of these as what I’d already experienced. Now almost 2 years later, I’m still being challenged by some.

I’m a woman in midlife. I know I don’t have it all together, all the time. Sometimes my cup is full to overflowing, and other times the cup seems to have a leak, and I try to run on empty. I stop, give myself some self-love and care and start again, as women do.

The issues that a woman experiences aren’t short, one-off events, the timeline can continue longer term for some.

How about you, what is your count out of 10?

Does the list of 10 issues surprise you?

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Each one of these issues alone is challenging.

When the issues co-exist, that’s taking stress to a new level.

However, when they co-exist, a woman is also still ‘showing up’ every day in all she deals with in day-to-day life, at the same time…

She’s probably just doing the usual. Oh, you know, stay focused at work, smile to the customers, drive the sales, drive the car but not on auto-pilot, be loving in all relationships. Stay in touch via phone, email, messenger, text or Facetime. Keep up with budget, shop, cook, clean. Arrange to have friends around, get to doctors appointments, try not to worry about health concerns. Be the best, be fabulous. Get her pelvic floor back in order, be fully present over a coffee, get to the gym, really must try yoga, fit in a swim… you get the point!

So from me, a deep curtsy to every woman in midlife

You are a goddess!

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The issues listed in the Top 10 are rarely experienced one at a time.

They will run relay races with each other, or become a whirlpool of numerous issues, all to be experienced at the same time.

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In order of significance, a woman’s co-existing issues appear to whirlpool collectively, and might look something like this:

Collective 1: The Wife

Divorce/separation and its repercussions financially and socially. From the Top 10, that is items 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8. This collective is the most significantly ‘emotionally shattering‘ list of issues a woman might experience, whilst she still ‘gets on with her day’s work with a smile’. It is very likely too, that this woman will experience the other 5 issues (1, 2, 3, 9 and 10) separately or simultaneously, so she could well hit the Top Score of experiencing all 10 issues.

The Australian Bureau of Statistics data in 2016 shows that:

Females apply for divorce more often than males, 14,962 from female applicants and 11,763 from male applicants in 2016. The median age at divorce for males was 45.5 years of age and the median age for women was 42.9 years. Therefore, it shows that women are more often applying for divorce, just prior to, or in the early portion of their midlife years (based on the median age being only 2.1 years prior to the midlife years commencing). – Australian Bureau of Statistics 2016

With the myriad of issues possibly affecting the woman’s life, it’s possible that the stressors related to one or more of the issues has challenged a married couple’s commitment or focus on one another.

Considering that possibly children have likely had priority of focus for at least the past 18 years, the intimate relationship may have dropped in priority. Attempting to work on a failing relationship with all the other issues crowding around them, it’s fair to say a marriage may not survive this transition period of a couple’s life.

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The financial and social implications of separation and divorce

The divorce process inevitably results in further issues for a woman in midlife.  

The divorce having been signed off is just a step in the whole process of change a woman has in front of her.  The changed circumstances following divorce brings with it a range of financial pressures and even social isolation the woman must brave alone.

For the first time in possibly 18 years the woman is to support herself financially, whilst sharing the cost of raising the children who may still be at home.

As a couple, the pooled funds are very different to the new reality of 50/50 split of expenses or 100% responsibility for the house payments, utilities, health care, vehicle costs and more.

A loss of financial security too, at times where she may not be able to work for health issues arising in her life, or to assist with her parent’s care, with no one else bringing in a wage in the home, if she were required to take extended time off work.

The social impact of divorce is referred to as a ‘community divorce’:

“Individuals involved in relationship breakdowns may be said to experience a “community divorce”, whereby ties with friends and community are inevitably, and perhaps irrevocably, altered. As a result, the networks of social support which women would normally rely on as they adjust to changing circumstances may not be as readily available when they are most needed.” – Dare 2011

A single parent, sole wage-earner, or living alone for the first time can lead to depression, loneliness and fears that she’d not experienced earlier.

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Confidence in dating again

Following separation or divorce, women face the opportunity of a fresh start, in a new and improved relationship. Very likely women of this age group met their husband/partner by ‘older-fashioned measures’, at work, at a party, the friend of a friend.

So at this time of emotional upheaval a woman may be faced with the new “this is how you date now” world of online dating. The ‘hit and miss’ of finding the right man/woman, the risks heard about, and possible disappointments can outweigh the upside of enjoying the dating game itself.

Lack of self-confidence may also sabotage a woman’s best efforts in starting to date again, for reasons such as having been with the one intimate partner for possibly a long period of time. Self-doubt and negative self-talk like “oh I couldn’t do that’ also make this a stressful journey for many women of this age.

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Collective 2: The Daughter

The second most significant issues to be experienced were supporting the independence of ageing parents and the death of her parent(s) and the associated grief.

She’ll also be more likely to do or experience this at the same time as still being responsible for teenagers at home, or young adults moving awaTop 10 list of issues women in midlife will ‘most likely’ experiencey from home, then boomeranging back. Working in full-time employment either as a contributing partner in a marriage or alone following divorce or separation.

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Our ageing population are now living longer

In recent years the changes in residential aged care funding has meant that aged care homes are looking for ‘high care’ needs admissions, as this provides more government funding towards the allocated bed. The parent who is living longer, and doesn’t fit the ‘high care’ description, will therefore need more assistance and services to be arranged in the home, and this most often is shown to be provided or coordinated by a daughter.

Aside from that extra workload, the ‘more elderly’ parent’s need for care means assisting them may not start until later in the woman’s life.

So, just when a woman in midlife had seen a great vision of all the new freedom she has, the travel options, and new things to try, after her children have left home, she wakes up to the realisation that it’s her role to be the responsible one once again, and take care of mum, dad, or both.

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Death of ageing parents

Women may well have lost a parent at an earlier age. However, it came across strongly in the research that women are more likely to experience the death of a parent during her midlife years.

Layering on top of the responsibilities a woman has in transitioning the midlife years as a wife/partner, mother and worker. She may possibly have also become a responsible care person for their ageing parent. The loss of a parent is one of the most significant life events a woman experiences.

The grief and loss need to be managed, as the other life issues are still playing out in her daily world.

Julie Dare’s research project (Dare 2011: 16), shared one story that came from a woman who had been interviewed for the research:

“For 45-year-old Corinne, the death of her father after a long and difficult illness left her feeling emotionally drained, and somewhat perturbed that grief has no culturally sanctioned outlet in western society:

‘It’s just incredible I reckon that there’s no gnashing of teeth or wailing or anything. I mean, I’m just horrified really [laughter]. After having gone through it… And hearing people say, “Oh she’s doing really well.” Which meant I wasn’t publicly crying and that sort of thing” (Corinne)”.

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Collective 3: The Mother

Whilst possibly experiencing peri-menopause, then menopause, a woman may be doing this at the same time as being super-mum for teenagers getting through the end of high school studies, choosing universities or jobs, independently travelling overseas on gap years before moving away from home. Busy with all of that, did she or did she forget to prepare for the emotions of becoming an ‘empty-nester‘?

The ’empty-nester’ emotions swirl around in the whirlpool, together with possible loss of confidence and self-esteem; and/or loss of identity/direction and low self-worth. In some cases the intimate relationship can also go through issues with the change to household dynamics. Finally, when and if she gets herself back on top of her changed world, the tears dried, her house is just starting to have a sense of peace and ‘her own space’. Then one after the other, the children start boomeranging back home again. Hopefully proactive, polite boomerangs, not resentful, bad-tempered boomerangs.

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“The empty nester”: children completing education and leaving home

The mother’s high school son or daughter’s graduation is over, likely ceremoniously celebrated, schoolies week has been survived, a gap year of travel or a move away to live on campus at university has commenced and the house falls quiet!

How often is this scenario met by a comment ‘oh, so you’re an empty nester now’? with the woman wondering at the tonality that message is delivered in. ‘I wonder is that supposed to be a bad thing or a good thing?’ thinks the mother.

“Empty nest”, the term commonly used to describe the “sense of loss that women may experience as their children become independent and leave the family home. Embedded deeply within the notion of the ‘empty nest’ is the image of a lonely and depressed woman who, after the departure of her children, no longer has a useful role in life”.

“A significant body of empirical research has built up over the last 20 years which indicates that “women overwhelmingly welcome their grown children moving out, viewing it as an opportunity for growth for both themselves and their children” . – Dare 2011:4.

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“The Boomerang Generation”: Adult children returning home to live short-term

Dr Joan Simeo Munson, referred to adult children returning home to live, in her article “Adult Children Living at Home Driving You Crazy?” as the “Boomerang Generation”.

Historically, it was common practice for a child to finish school, go and study or get a job, pack up the few possessions from his or her childhood bedroom and find a home to live in as an independent adult, never to return.

The cost of renting or the minimum deposit for a home has since sky-rocketed. Also, there has been a turn towards a casual workforce, leaving workers with a lack of security of ongoing work. Banks turning their backs on loan requests; and rental applications being declined by property managers.

These factors have caused the “Boomerang Generation” to choose to move back home with the parents until they get on their feet financially.

Dr Munson cites:

“25% of adult kids… are living at home right now, millions of us are dealing with ‘extended parenting’ – which involves a whole new set of concerns and pressures.”

and she goes on to say:

“Having adult kids live under your roof can be a major source of stress in any family. Whether you’re concerned about your child gaining employment, paying their share of the rent or contributing to household chores, a whole new set of dynamics occurs when adult children live with their parents.”

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Loss of confidence and self-esteem

At this age, based on the research and my own experience in coaching women, many women feel they’ve been everything for everyone, and somehow as everyone gets on with life, she loses confidence in herself for a variety of reasons.

As a general theme, words describing this feeling of loss, I have found include:

• Negative self-talk.
• Feeling alone, empty inside.
• Feeling of invisibility
• Withdrawal from loved ones.
• Withdrawal from social circles.
• Put job at risk by not ‘shining’ anymore as the employee you were.

This loss of confidence and self-esteem often lead to habits, seeking immediate gratification to feel better, over eating, ‘adding to cart’, drinking excessively, over working, over committing, putting everyone else first, possibly escaping by finding someone new.

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Loss of identity/direction/purpose

Questions like: “Who am I?”, “What is my role now that the kids are gone?”

More words found describing these feelings: overwhelm, loss of identity or purpose, feeling deep unhappiness or feelings of lack of direction, making it impossible to experience even small amounts of joy during the day (Wolfe, website).

Similar to loss of confidence and self-esteem, these experiences lead to the habits already set out above.

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PERI-MENOPAUSE AND MENOPAUSE

Menopause turned out to be the least significant issue

I have to say, when I started the research I presumed (wrongly) that Peri-menopause and Menopause would rank up there as No. 1. Given that when google searched, the top results come up with “the 35 symptoms of menopause”. That just sounds enormous, in itself!

Maybe it’s just that peri-menopause and menopause are the ‘issue’ women feel safe to share about, presuming due to commonality, similar to all the years of ‘period’ discussions. We hear about ‘menopause’ more than the other issues, and men will even comment about it, possibly because they know or feel the brunt of the symptoms.

I found that some of the symptoms and issues may or may not be experienced eg. women may experience menopause earlier in life as a result of a hysterectomy, so don’t always experience menopause through midlife.

Dr Julie Dare documented research after interviewing 40 women. “Transitions in midlife women’s lives: contemporary experiences” 2011. Dr Dare wrote that women described menopausal symptoms:

‘as irritating, rather than difficult, unmanageable, or as representing a major emotional watershed in their life.‘

She went on further to state that:

“clinical studies indicate that while up to 20% of women do suffer severe physical and/or emotional difficulties during menopause, 60% of women experience much milder symptoms, and the remaining 20% of women report no symptoms at all.”

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Whilst the internet portrays women and menopause in comical images with captions such as

“Don’t mess with Menopausal Women”

and

“Still to come – Menopause: because nature decided that pregnancy, labor, delivery, breastfeeding, stretch marks, saggy boobs and cellulite wasn’t punishment enough”

it was an interesting finding from the research papers that menopause didn’t rank highly as opposed to the other issues faced by women in midlife.

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I HOPE THIS IS AS HELPFUL TO YOU, AS IT WAS FOR ME

The list of key issues identified are not be all the issues one woman in midlife will experience.

• Some issues are not necessarily an issue for one woman at all.

• Some issues have a much greater impact on one woman than another woman.

This may be due to other health issues (causing menopausal symptoms to be worse), or past experiences a woman maybe hasn’t dealt with from earlier times in her life (her own mother’s way of coping with becoming an empty nester for instance).

It was interesting and enlightening to read that women welcome some of the issues:

• children having been raised stepping away to take up their independence in the world; and
• welcome the end of their reproductive years.

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The ageing and death of parents and the possibility of transitioning through separation and divorce ranked as the most daunting challenges a woman is likely to experience emotionally and financially.

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A paper published by Cheryl Critchley, University of Melbourne: “It’s a fact: Women get better with age”, 2017, paints the picture of a midlife woman with words used to describe them as being: tense, withdrawn, depressed.

The study wrote that as women move towards the next phase of 60 to 70 years of age, they gain much more positivity. They get time for ‘me’. They have more freedom to enjoy more hobbies and travel, as they retire from the workforce and have reduced family responsibilities.

Brene Brown in her TedXHouston talk, The Power of Vulnerability, June 2010, one of the most viewed TedX talks, with more than 33 million views, summed up her talk with the words:

“I am enough”.

The feelings of loss of confidence, self-esteem, invisibility are shared by many women.

From Brene Brown’s TedX talk, and from my experience time after time, to see a woman once again believe that “I am enough” is a great outcome.

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Where to from here?

I believe from the research and my own experience in having coached women transitioning midlife, that life coaching is a proactive, supportive way to guide a woman in midlife through times of high pressure and change.

No matter which of the key issues a woman in midlife might experience, every one of them is suited to be addressed with a professional life coach

Rather than leave a woman to navigate the obstacles of midlife bruised, confused, blind-folded and alone, my life coaching programs promote self-confidence, empowerment, and courage. Guiding a woman to embrace who she is and where she wants to go with the next chapter of her life, in a safe, confidential and supportive environment.

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Rebecca Perkins, author of Best Knickers Always: 50 Lessons for Midlife:

“I believe we as women underestimate the wisdom we have gained during the first half of our lives, the resilience we have shown, the courage we have quietly displayed.

Midlife is a great time of opportunity if we’re prepared to face up to it, to finally embrace who we are, to stand up for what we believe in and what we long for.”

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Dr Brene Brown:

”I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:

I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.

and

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think.

You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”

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In any situation, there are choices.

There always comes an answer and an action to take. The answer mostly comes from within, in a moment of exquisite clarity. We do admittedly sometimes get told the answer and the action. I don’t know about you, but for me, that never feels as good as an answer from within.

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I have a long-held belief that of the roles we play in life, be it wife, partner, daughter or mother, we’re ‘amateurs‘!

We’ve done OK. We learnt from our mothers, who learnt from theirs and so on. There was no ‘professional mentor’ up the family tree. No Rule Book on how to be the best in the most-important titles we adopt in life.

Unfortunately, there are no Medals being awarded for ‘best WIFE / PARTNER / MOTHER / DAUGHTER of the year’!

We’ve all done the best we can, with what resources we had at the time. That leaves us NOW, and there are choices about our future, that can start being worked on anew from today. No need to keep looking back, it’s time to face forward.

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I believe we do have everything we need within us. Some women could just do with support and practice in drawing the answers out through professional coaching.

For a woman to be asked powerful questions and know she’s really being listened to, supported and cheered on is gold.

Coaching enables a woman in midlife, who has all the wisdom, life experiences and answers within her already, to shape the best second half of her life. 

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Sharing with you words from Jen, early 50s, wife, now widow, ex-business owner, and mother of 3 growing boys. Jen came to me for coaching ready to start the journey to discover what she really wanted the rest of her life to look like, for her, her boys and more:

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“Susan’s “Make Shifts Happen” coaching program stimulated profound, purposeful and rapid change for me. Her approach is multi-faceted: combining deep coaching, Q&A, introspection and creativity, and Susan continually adapted it to my specific circumstances and needs.

Grounded in a deep exploration of values, gifts, purpose and dreams, Susan’s coaching has provided me with clarity and has set me on a path of intentional, expansive and directional growth.

I began the program with low self-confidence and much doubt after some major life challenges; and on completion feel content, confident and driven to live my passions, goals and life in my own unique way.

Thank-you Susan for taking so much time and care with my coaching – I have grown so much.”

– Jen, Gold Coast

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