Powerful poetry that crossed my path recently: Ev’Yan Whitney’s “I Am A Too Much Woman”

Alexandra of Soul Intimacy in Sydney shared this beautiful, powerful poem with the women attending her recent My Voice My Body My Pleasure course.

Alexandra pre-empted listening to the poem with this question:

‘Have you ever been told you are “TOO … (insert the word)?”‘

It was incredibly easy for all the women to list in the chat box at least 2-3 comments either spoken at us, or about us, or even by us, about someone else or about ourselves:

You are: TOO tall, TOO short, TOO big, TOO loud, TOO busy, TOO silly, TOO strong, TOO strong-willed, TOO weak, TOO easy, TOO feisty, TOO generous, TOO uptight, TOO fat, TOO slow, TOO quiet…

What ones have you heard said that I’ve missed?

I wrote recently about the OFF to ON switch that words like this can flick to ON in our heads throughout life. They align very much with what Brene Brown also shares as being shaming or guilt language, the likes of “who does she think she is…”, “what’s she doing now”, you know, that kind of thing.

You may already have read the poem, however if you haven’t I’m sharing Ev’Yan’s words, because I know of women who have told me how hurtful it’s been to be told they are TOO much something or other. They just don’t often show the hurt, hide it deep down inside as they do, or tucked away behind their social masks.

Other women I know and see so often choose to stay or play small rather than shine like the beautiful unique beacon of light that they truly are, for risk of the hurt all over again. I know I’ve done it, and I’m sure if you haven’t you know someone who has too.

In a crack-of-dawn first coaching call of the day this morning, my client and I talked about this and how to make slight shifts in changing this kind of language, whether it’s unhelpful self-talk or thoughts about others.

Aware that we cannot change someone else’s choices in how they go about life, one action that was a worthwhile choice to consider, is to choose to stop in the space in between comments. Take that 3 second pause before speaking and think ‘is what I’m about to say loving and kind?’. Because if it’s not, who is it truly serving to say the words?

All we can really be is role models in how we go about making change happen beyond ourselves.

Saying that, and attached to that thought is #thekidsarewatching, which is often on my mind.

My daughter last night, asked me whether I’d like to be part of an ‘interesting’ women’s photographic exercise.

She quickly reminded me that the words she could see cross my face, that bubbled to the surface oh so quickly, were possibly not setting a good example for other women present, in relation to body image. She pointed out that the words I was saying about myself definitely were not being loving and kind to me either, in such a quick reaction that it took for them to come to the surface. She kindly suggested, that perhaps I had other choices of words that I could use, sit with the idea, think further on it, before ‘negging out’ on myself, that are much kinder to me. I knew it, I felt and heard me doing it, and I was grateful for the reminder, in the gentle way it was delivered.

She’s TOO… or I’m TOO… is a nasty habit worthwhile putting the effort into breaking away from. Yes, it’s been instilled in us and society, and it is full of shame language; it’s also the tall poppy syndrome and the problem/anxiety/reaction orientations we play out, none of which do anyone ever any good.

Consciously choosing to not make a comment that can impact our self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem or those of a young girl or woman in the moment it’s spoken, let alone for years of her life to come, is one choice we’re all capable of practicing.

Something to think about…

What has ever been said about you, that’s in the past. Today is a new beginning. You are enough. You are You.

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These are Ev’Yan’s words below. I’ve shared towards the bottom a link to access the poem being spoken by Ev’Yan Whitney too.

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“The Too Much Woman“, by Ev’Yan Whitney

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There she is. . . the “too much” woman. The one who loves too hard, feels too deeply, asks too often, desires too much.

There she is taking up too much space, with her laughter, her curves, her honesty, her sexuality. Her presence is as tall as a tree, as wide as a mountain. Her energy occupies every crevice of the room. Too much space she takes.

There she is causing a ruckus with her persistent wanting, too much wanting. She desires a lot, wants everything—too much happiness, too much alone time, too much pleasure. She’ll go through brimstone, murky river, and hellfire to get it. She’ll risk all to quell the longings of her heart and body. This makes her dangerous.

She is dangerous.

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And there she goes, that “too much” woman, making people think too much, feel too much, swoon too much. She with her authentic prose and a self-assuredness in the way she carries herself. She with her belly laughs and her insatiable appetite and her proneness to fiery passion. All eyes on her, thinking she’s hot shit.

Oh, that “too much” woman. . . too loud, too vibrant, too honest, too emotional, too smart, too intense, too pretty, too difficult, too sensitive, too wild, too intimidating, too successful, too fat, too strong, too political, too joyous, too needy—too much.

She should simmer down a bit, be taken down a couple notches. Someone should put her back in a more respectable place. Someone should tell her.

Here I am. . . the Too Much Woman, with my too-tender heart and my too-much emotions.

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A hedonist, feminist, pleasure seeker, empath. I want a lot—justice, sincerity, spaciousness, ease, intimacy, actualisation, respect, to be seen, to be understood, your undivided attention, and all of your promises to be kept.

I’ve been called high maintenance because I want what I want, and intimidating because of the space I occupy. I’ve been called selfish because I am self-loving. I’ve been called a witch because I know how to heal myself.

And still. . . I rise. Still, I want and feel and ask and risk and take up space.

I must.

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Us Too Much Women have been facing extermination for centuries—we are so afraid of her, terrified of her big presence, of the way she commands respect and wields the truth of her feelings. We’ve been trying to stifle the Too Much Woman for ions—in our sisters, in our wives, in our daughters. And even now, even today, we shame the Too Much Woman for her bigness, for her wanting, for her passionate nature.

And still. . . she thrives.

If you’ve ever been called “too much,” or “overly emotional,” or “bitchy,” or “stuck up,” you are likely a Too Much Woman. And if you are. . . I implore you to embrace all that you are—all of your depth, all of your vastness; to not hold yourself in, and to never abandon yourself, your bigness, your radiance.

Forget everything you’ve heard—your too much-ness is a gift; oh yes, one that can heal, incite, liberate, and cut straight to the heart of things.

Do not be afraid of this gift, and let no one shy you away from it. Your too much-ness is magic, is medicine. It can change the world.

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So please, Too Much Woman: Ask. Seek. Desire. Expand. Move. Feel. Be. Make your waves, fan your flames, give us chills.

Please, rise.

We need you.

– Ev’Yan Whitney

You can find Ev’Yan Whitney on instagram or her website, which right now appears to be having a makeover. Still, here it is: www.sexloveliberation.com

If you prefer to hear words rather than read them, here is the link to Ev’Yan Whitney’s soundcloud recording of the poem: CLICK HERE