This is a sentence in response to my sharing a personal story about a choice that was causing me concern. You know, you’re not stuck, such a simple statement or maybe it was a question?
They were the words of AnneMarie Clear, a fellow 3 Vital Questions certified facilitator at the Center for the Empowerment Dynamic. AnneMarie is also the founder of Clear Directions in Colorado USA. Her words made me pause and ponder.
They also helped me to stop spinning in circles worrying over my decision immediately.
Sometimes it’s in sharing our stories, articulating them to someone who is a skilled listener, with a kind heart, that lets us get a different perspective than what we have on a topic. Then we can choose our next steps.
At the time, I was in a group training session with AnneMarie as facilitator at the annual 3 Vital Questions trainers’ summit in 2021.
Another trainer shared a personal story that was about feeling guilty over a decision to set new personal boundaries. Her elderly parents, one with dementia, both wanted to live at home, led to this woman’s siblings choosing her as the best carer of the parents, for their own reasons. She was feeling overwhelmed, having just retired from one career and beginning a new business, a new relationship, and moving to a new town. Ultimately, her new boundaries were in saying the two letter word “NO” to her siblings’ expectations. That’s where she was at that moment. Feeling guilty. Since then she has continued to approach the situation with an empowered mindset.
The training session continued on, but her story had me thinking about a situation in the past.
I’d stepped in too far to rescue someone, to be the good person who makes their days jolly and full. Then, finding myself having a box full of other people’s gossip and expectations dumped at my door, I quickly saw what was happening. I withdrew to safe ground.
I moved from being the rescuer to being seen as the persecutor. But inside me, I was also feeling persecuted, placing me in the victim role. I felt guilty for the withdrawal, and I felt stuck. In hindsight, I know now that I should have never stepped in to rescue. Rather, I could have modelled an approach from a more empowered place for both of us. Now we have established an outcome, a comfortable set of boundaries, that suit us both.
It made me see how often we step in to rescue someone.
We all have done what we can see will be perceived as the right thing, the good thing. In the end, someone who gets rescued, who didn’t ask to be rescued in the first place, will either not express appreciation or oversteps the boundaries, and adds in a desire to control, or turns resentful. All of that is part of the dreaded drama triangle (DDT) in which AnneMarie and I are certified trainers. This conversation with AnneMarie made it easy to see how disempowering the DDT roles are in the end.
The more we step into the DDT role of rescuer, the more likely we will be perceived as the persecutor. That, in turn, makes us drop back into the most disempowered role of all, that of the victim of circumstance. The victim is the role that the dreaded drama triangle is centred around.
I raised my personal story in the group discussion with AnneMarie. She looked me in the eyes and with honesty and empathy, said:
“you know, you’re not stuck, don’t you?”
We all know we’re not stuck, or do we?
People often avoid seeing the choices we have to make things how we want them to be. Why is that?
We have more than one choice in any situation. My own coach once shared with me that we, in fact, have at minimum five choices.
Breaking the cycle of drama comes through honesty to look at the limiting stories we have running in our heads about one situation or another and begin by asking ourselves: is it true? What is this story giving me? What am I ultimately missing out on by perpetuating the drama through this story of mine?
Our minds tend to like us spinning in a cycle of drama. That’s the human beings’ default, to fit in, perpetuate the drama, keep our focus on problems and play small. It keeps us safe, stopping us from taking a brave step towards the opportunities that will serve us better.
What story can you recall you’ve told yourself about feeling like you had no choice that justified your stance as rescuer or victim? A personal story you’ve either spoken out loud or not, perhaps shared and embellished upon as your story, so many times that you’re even fed up with hearing yourself telling it? What is that story giving you or taking away from you?
The good news is that there is an antidote to the DDT roles.
The wonderful thing about being honest about the stories we make up, because we all do that from time-to-time, is we can start to see them for what they are. Understanding what’s beneath the surface comes next. Then we can make healthier empowering choices from that open and vulnerable space. That’s where this work I’m certified in can help.
TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) involves us reconnecting to the true creator essence that we have inside ourselves already. We do need to practice it more as it’s not a default mindset like the DDT drama roles are. Once we do, we see ourselves no longer reacting to the problems of the moment. Instead, we begin to take creative action, including solving problems to achieve desired outcomes.
Reach out if you’d like to find out how to break the drama cycle in your personal and workplace relationships. Work with me, and together we will find new empowering stories to work towards making your reality.
I’m here to support you anytime you’re ready to make that choice.
Take good care of yourself and your kind heart,
Susan
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