She was taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return.
When Ellen’s feelings and needs did surface, she would tell herself that they weren’t important, that she was strong and could handle not having her feelings cared for and or her needs recognised. She convinced herself that if she just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about her. It never happened.
The inner stress of never attending to her own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on Ellen’s health. Ellen is now dealing with cancer and finally has to attend to herself.
It is not realistic to constantly put yourself aside and then expect others to value and respect you. Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behaviour in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.
You need to be willing to go through a difficult period of feeling others’ anger and resentment. After all, you trained them for years to not have to care about you or see you, and now you are changing the rules. They won’t like it, but they will eventually respect you for it. You will also discover in the process of caring about yourself who really cares about you and who has just been using you. Those people who really care about you will eventually applaud your self-care, while those who were just using you will go away or be constantly angry with you for changing.
It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose yourself. Yet, like with Ellen, your very life may depend upon it. Hopefully, you will not wait until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to become visible to yourself.
It means moving into personal responsibility for your own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hope they will eventually take care of you. If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!
IT’S A NEW DAY, A NEW BEGINNING: BOOK YOURSELF IN FOR A 9-WEEK SERIES OF COACHING SESSIONS TO DISCOVER YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF AND LIVE A LIFE WHERE ACTIONS ALIGN WITH YOUR CORE VALUES AND WHO YOU TRULY ARE