Susan Dunlop: Lead Believe Create
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Welcome to Coffee and Contemplation with Susan Dunlop, a podcast that delves into raw and honest conversations with a variety of fascinating guests. Join us as we explore the intriguing stories and life lessons of individuals who are passionate about making a difference in the world. Susan’s guests are leaders, believers, and creators, each deeply committed to their unique missions. We uncover the WHAT, HOW, and WHY behind their remarkable journeys. Tune in to Coffee and Contemplation with Susan Dunlop. Discover the stories that shape lives and transform perspectives.
It’s easy to become fed up with controlling people. They:
To them, it’s obvious they need to be calling the shots.
Of course, you can see right through controlling people, can’t you? They show their hypocrisy with every move they make! It’s so frustrating.
And you can’t make them stop, right?
WRONG
If you’re willing to block controlling people, then you need to look at what you are doing to encourage and even indulge their controlling behaviour. That’s right. You cannot change this by changing the controlling person.
You can only change their world by giving them a different person (yourself) to respond to – a person that will not be controlled by other people.
You’re putting up with it, tolerating being controlled and feeling like a victim. Worse, you are probably not even aware of how you are doing it.
This post will show you examples of how you are allowing yourself to be a target for controlling people. Then, you can put a stop to the out of control rollercoaster ride once and for all.
Key insight: allowing others to control you is a subconscious habit. If you are doing it, you probably learned to do this a very long time ago when you didn’t have the option of making your own choices. In fact, one or more controlling people probably prevented you from making independent decisions and learning from your own mistakes.
You had to give your power away to someone who was eager to prove how righteous he or she was. The habit of giving power or control away turns into a psychological attachment. The frustration of feeling pressured and controlled becomes more of a way of life than anything else.
“Resentment is a shitty but effective indicator light when I’m taking care of others in the wrong way. And, by wrong way, I mean trying to control situations by looking generous but really trying to protect my own self-interest.”
Brene Brown
Once you see it, then you can exercise choice. You can’t have a choice about things outside of your conscious awareness.
One of my favourite authors, Stephen Covey, has stated:
Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character…”
So….
Mike Bundrant, retired psychotherapist, Master NLP trainer, co-founder of the iNLP Center, states that each of these examples are common and completely reversible habits.
Notice which of the scenarios below may apply to you. When you come across one that applies, it may give you that sinking feeling inside – or it may even cause anxiety. It may also make you angry or annoyed and want to find a reason why it isn’t your responsibility.
If it makes you hold your breath, take a big breath out, and keep reading anyway! Knowing how you offer yourself up to controlling people is the critical first step to overcoming this psychological attachment.
If you don’t take care of yourself, you send a subconscious message to others. The message is: I can’t take care of myself, so please take care of me. This invites controlling people to intervene and tell you what you should be doing. It also invites them to nag you to get yourself together. You are inviting control from others by neglecting yourself.
Emotional rebels are masters of being controlled. When genuine authority beckons, rebels resist, which invites greater intervention from those in charge. If you lined up 10 employees. Nine of them follow the rules and cooperate with each other. One is a rebel. Who gets monitored more closely? The rebel. The rebel invites more authority into her life than anyone. She is begging to be controlled.
She hates authority but is subconsciously inviting authority to come down on her daily. Deep down, does she really hate authority or is she seeking to be controlled by it? Both. When controlling people are in authority over you, a rebel only makes matters worse.
You’ve agreed to do certain things. You don’t do them. What happens next? You get confronted. Someone comes after you, demanding you make good on your word. By not doing what you agree to do, you invite others to step in and take charge of you. Controlling people love the opportunity to collect what you owe them.
Ever known anyone who compulsively asks for help to do things that he or she could do just as well alone? Sometimes this is an invitation for companionship. But if you do this constantly, you’re asking others to take charge. When those others happen to be naturally controlling, you’re in for it.
If you’re afraid of making mistakes and being held accountable for them, you’ll likely invite controlling people to come in and take over for you. Fearing mistakes is fearing the inevitable. Everyone makes them. Smart people are thankful for mistakes because mistakes help you learn, which makes you more independent.
Huge set up for giving power away and feeling controlled by the demands of life. When you can’t say no when you should, you are automatically over-extended. Then, of course, people expect you to follow through. When you can’t, they begin to bug you.
A sure way to ensure that controlling people have all the power is to withhold your thoughts, feelings and opinions, ensuring that you have no say in what’s going on. This way, you agree to the agenda of those willing to speak up. They have the power and you are at their mercy by virtue of your silent compliance.
You may just be attracted to people who like to control others. These controlling types may appear more powerful, independent, charismatic and safer for you to be with. If you have a subconscious desire to be controlled, you may not feel comfortable with someone who expects you to make your own decisions and be responsible for them.
‘Help is the sunny side of control. Stop helping so much. Don’t get your help and goodness all over everybody.’
Anne Lamott
Feelings are an indispensable part of decision-making. Clear feelings reflect your values and give you a sure foundation in life. If you aren’t in touch with your feelings, you may not have a clear idea where you stand.
For example, someone asks you to do something that you are not comfortable with. Your discomfort is vague and you push it away, not wanting to grapple with it. Unable to be clear about your feelings, you are more likely to ignore them and “just do it.”
This is risky. It’s this level of repression that entices you to succumb to pressure or make decisions based on someone else’s agenda.
If you feel this way – like your life is not your own to live – then, you may have an attachment to being controlled.
In other words, it is self-sabotage in the end. A subconscious attachment to being controlled causes you to seek out controlling environments and people, while hating every minute of it consciously.
If you feel you’d like to discuss your thoughts, or any of the habits that stood out to you, as ringing true in your circumstances, please give me a call or book a Clarity Call online.
Coaching helps, including use of NLP techniques and hypnosis, where habits are concerned.